Sunday, December 29, 2013

Lienz Finish Lines

Megan McJames getting McWorked by a gate during the GS on Saturday at Lienz.  Bib 45 and two long skis, baby that's all we need.  Groins missing left and right.  This crash is so epic it has a plot.  HBO is considering turning it into a miniseries.  Applebee's is trying to buy sponsorship rights.  And me?  Well I just hope Megan is okay.  Because I am a sweetheart.  Show me the money, you say?  Well here it is.

It look like Megan lienz in a little here.
Hey, sometimes my armpits get itchy too.  But it doesn't mean you should scratch them with your knee,
while skiing at high speeds.
I believe they call this the money shot.  More answers here than questions, which is unusual in this business. 
Now Megan might just be barely holding on, but that red panel sure has a death grip on her ski.
Get off of me, you red nylon leech!
Oh.  Well it looks like Megan's not gonna get a second run.  That's a bummer.
But hey as a consolation prize... here's a red gate!  Congratulations Megan.
So I know I'm not the only thinking this... what was her time?  Looks like she just barely made it.

Send me the finest ski crashes.  I demand it.  Slalom Ace out.  First race tomorrow (potentially).  Game on.  I figured out I'm coaching 98s and 99s, which really makes me happy.  I don't know how I'd deal with coaching a 00.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

X Marks The Spot

Of the horrific crash.  Where X is gonna give it to you.  Let's talk about X baby.  Marie Marchand-Arvier getting worked at Val d'Isere.  I recently just became able to spell Val d'Isere correctly without looking at anything first for confirmation.  Isn't that nice?  I sure think so.  Anyways, let's get down to business and analyze how unlucky number 13's day went.  Also just be forewarned, this is a sportscience edition of Slalom Toyko Drift.

Marie makes me want to roll my windows down because she is cruising.
But don't get it twisted.  This blog life?  Is NOT... A... EFFING... GAME!  It's what you're hearing, listen.  I wonder if Marie can recover gracefully from this troubling predicament? 
Looks like a hard no on that front.  Someone put the hip back in her socket when you get a chance.
Aaaaand WHAMMY.
The purpose of the next three photos is to show how insanely high her ski goes.
Potentially thirty feet in the air.
Marie crosses two separate dye lines before that ski lands.  So based on that distance and that height I calculated she crashed at exactly 1.3 fucktons of force and will require 781 Advil pills.
You know that movie Happy Feet?  This is the opposite of Happy Feet.  Her boots look like they are crying.

Send me crashes!  Slalom Ace out.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Poor Quality Video...

But a very, very high quality crash.  Willis (The Big Easy) Feasey falling head over heels in love.  And by in "love" I of course mean "a highly injected snow surface and unforgiving fence."  But as we all know, true love means never having to say you're sorry.  Which is actually kind of terrible advice.  But Willis is from New Zealand, which could explain his inability to tell up from down.  To be fair, it's a damn shame they put that red gate in his way.  The video resolution is too low to screenshot, so you're just gonna have to make do with this action.  Thanks to Reed for the tip.

In the words of Champ Kind... WHAMMY!  The blog machine needs to be reloaded.  Send me pictures, send me love. with crashes.  Slalom Ace Out.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

All I Want For Christmas...

Is some whiplash and a big old crash.  Vanja Brodnik of Slovenia doing the damn thing.  Not to be confused with Matthew Broderick, who played Ferris Bueller and voiced Simba.  Common misconception.  But if this run were Lion King, this would be the part where Mufasa dies due to head trauma caused by catching an inside edge while being chased by a stampede of wildebeests.  You go Vanja, you go.

Qualified professor teaching SKI 101:  Intro to Arc City.
Kill or be killed.  Nature versus nurture.  Inside ski versus outside ski.   Inside ski always wins.
Vanja starting her best corkscrew impression.  Trying to get into a white wine, it looks like.
And I don't think anyone can be happy about this.  Except chiropractors.  And maybe undertakers.  But let's give her the benefit of the doubt!  As my friend Squirt always says...
Fin, noggin... dude.  God I wish she were Finnish for this joke.  But I can't just wait for a Finn to have a clear concussion, now can I.  Finland is kind of terrible, btw.

Merry Christmas to all!  And to all a good night.  Slalom Toyko Drift loves each and every one of you differently but equally.  Straight flexin.  Crashes to  Slalom Ace out.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Too Close For Missles

Switching to guns!  Ivica Kostelic gets caught in the jet wash and goes into a flatspin.  Somebody call Kenny Loggins, because we're in the danger zone.
Arc City resident holding onto that outside ski for a little long, it would seem.
Buddy!  It's time to turn!  Turn man!  What are you doing?
Uh oh.  Looks like the Croatian fighter pilot has achieved missile lock!
Only it's a courseworker instead of a MiG
Looks like there will be one survivor.  One.
Point of impact.  The shockwaves are reverberating through my screen.
Explosions.  Fire.  Goodbye, sweet Goose.

Slalom Ace out.  Send me stuff.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Black Swan

What art.  What intrigue.  Tommaso Auerbach doing it B-I-G not once, but twice.  That's what elegance looks like, folks.  This is a crash about a girl who gets turned into a swan and she needs love to break the spell, but her prince falls for the wrong girl so she kills herself.  But can Tom embody both swans?  Both the white and the black?  This critic gives a whole-hearted yes.  And that's why you gotta check out the ballet.

Send me that good gooooooood.

Slalom Ace out.  Making my first turn on GS skis tomorrow!  It'll be next to a red or blue gate.  Don't know much but I know that.  All I do is win.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

About That Time

 STRADDLE SATURDAY!  For the boys and the girls.  Give daddy some.  Daddy wants some straddle.  Paddling canoes and straddling blues... two things I love.  You know what else I love?  Optimism.  You know who has it?  This guy.  In the face of certain defeat.  Me gusta.
Look at this face of dejection.  This guy knows he's doomed and there's nothing to do about it.
Dedication.  Focus under pressure.  It appears that bib 106 is the David Ortiz in October of straddling.  Clutch and clutch.  Send me stuff.  Slalom Ace Out.

First day of coaching was a success.  I told the kids about the time I scored World Cup points and then broke up with Julia Mancuso for Lara Gut.  Booyah baybeeeee pew pew pew pew.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Hard Hitting Journalism

Looks like the demise of Alpine Press was exaggerated!  Way to grind and get it.

I thought about this for a while.  I know it's easy to make fun of.  But truth be told, I stand for nothing more so that exaggerating my own athletic prowess, especially in the earlier years.  So to Alpine Press, I say to you, congratulations.  For opening this door of comparing races to the year before, I salute you.  Now... don't mind if I do:

Let's start with a GS race from 2007.  Yeah it is sick.  I cut my bib from 86 to 40.  Damn.  Way to kill it.  Unless I went from 40 to 86.  I'm not really sure.  Either way, total time of 1:57.69.

Future Arc City Mayor!
 Now let's take a look at yesterday's E-Cup GS at Sugarloaf.
Ew.  Gross.  Ew.  Gross.

Looks like I won by 2.6 seconds.  I beat Sam by 3.8!  You see that Sam?  YOU SEE THAT!  I retired and I'm still beating you.  Sam, talk to me when you can break 2 minutes.

Thank you Alpine Press, for putting a twinkle in my eye and a swing in my step.  Cue the music!

PS:  Depending on how today goes, I might try to scrounge up some Downhill results where they started higher than I did during speed week and talk about that time I won US Nationals by 12 seconds.  I don't know if I'll have the time though.  Deals are hot, paper is flowing.

Slalom Ace Out.  See you on the 23rd... Tarberry, Tarberry, Macomber, Leafe taking over NH USSA races on the Glory Days/Legends Never Die tour.  UOENO.

Gotta Keep The Sponsors Happy

Whammy!  Tessa Worley from earlier this week.  Beautiful photo of a sad crash.  But hey, I'm not going to Sochi either.

That red gate looks discernibly not like a breakaway.
Link to crash -- can't figure out how to embed this video:

Slalom Ace Out.

Thursday, December 19, 2013


Classic unexpected drops... seen in the dubstep game, as well as in the GS game.  Both equally lethal.  Both equally filthy.  Sharp edges and sex appeal folks, that's the name of the game.  Chris Acosta walked away from this one.  Dykster did Dykster things.  And this is the sweet result.  Do you like art?  I know I do.

Video first.  Sometimes I like to switch it up.

How much does A'Cost'A ski race?
A'Cost'About a groin and half of your brain cells.
I see the previously established line.  And I don't think good things in my head about your decision.
And your outside ski doesn't either.  Quite frankly, the outside ski made a good choice. 
This screenshot is tough for me.  I know there is a lot of action, but I don't know what to focus on.  If only there were some way to isolate the center of attention in th-
Oh, he was wearing number 13.  Well, that's nice.  The blue gate is bowing down to Chris in reverence.
Contact.  Someone on Facebook commented, "Chris, I'm glad you have so much cushion for the pushin'!"
Me too, person whose name I forget... me too.
The snow takes back its own.  Only the sole of the boot remains.  The soul of the Chris has been sucked out by snow dementors.  And finally:
Yeah, if you're a nurse in the ICU*
Booyah baybee.  Dykster still bringing the heat as always.  Thank god.  Slalom Ace out.  Thanks to Heather and Ben for this crash.  Send crashes to

*This joke is funny because Chris is fine.

Dem Franchize Boyz

Chicas... keep that upper-lower body separation!  Or just do this.  Or if you'd prefer, this.  What was this, St. Moritz?  Looked like Pisa.

I'm sensing you get the theme, but just in case you didn't --


Blog game way strong.  Crashes to  Slalom Ace out.  Live-timing is the most visited site on my work computer and it's not even January.  Breakfast sandwich blogs to come soon, I hope.