Thursday, February 28, 2013

Taylor Swift Goat Edition

Just kidding.  But there are loud noises to be had.  That is for goddamn sure.  This video is proof that night racing isn't safe.  It gets dangerous under those lights.  Bring some earmuffs for the little ones.  Not for the cold.  Not for the cold at all.  Proctor.  Watch out.  Plug the big speakers in for this audio.  It deserves more than your computer speakers.

Indiana Jones hates snakes.  He says, "Snakes... why'd it have to be snakes."
Well Indiana Jones probably doesn't like Proctor... because that is a bonafide snow snake attacking this guy's left foot.
This could go one of two ways... he could pull it together and keep it rolling.  Or...
It could go this way.  This way is more fun to watch.
Video and conclusion after the jump.  Good stuff.  Good stuff indeed.

Also From Whiteface

A breakfast sandwich submission from Alice Ritchey!  Who is my new favorite.  I hope breakfast sandwich submissions start pouring in.  And this just turns into a world class breakfast sandwich blog.  Everyone forgets about the ski racing component.  I have an IPO and turn into a billionaire breakfast blogger.  It starts here, folks.  It starts here.

Alice's ranking:

Quality: 6
Quantity:  8
Eatability:  5
Price:  $4.75
Overall:  4

It looks like that breakfast sandwich is piping hot and fresh!  It's probably the only thing in Lake Placid not from 1980.

Hey, Did You Make Flip?

For that matter, did you start in the seed?  Do girls still FIS race on the east coast?

Props to Nicole Anderson for running DFL and finishing second!

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Cranmore: home of the Tuck Turn

The 2013 Eastern Cup Series made a stop at Cranmore this past Sunday for a nice little slalom following the Bates carnival. It was a wonderful race... but folks, you know nothing of East Coast racing until you've experienced the Cranmore Super G.

It begins just off the top of the quad, an artificial ramp that is the White Mountain's closest imitation of Middlebury. Racers traverse a workroad, make three turns on the "pitch", dodge some lift towers, than it's Tuck Turn City baby. Skiers cruise for so long they make Florida Georgia Line jealous.
The top step of the podium was perennially occupied by Tom Bobotas. He finished puberty before Clinton's second term, and had 70lbs on every other poor soul in the NHARA speed circuit. Gotta love those subbie USSA points.

The paparazzi found this rap star sampling Cranmore's breaky sand offering. Soft hair, strong jaw.


The cafeteria wait was long, the english muffin was enormous, and McNealus won by too much for anyone to score. Requests for prints of this photo, signed by American Mob, should be sent to

Phil Mahre's Advice Part 2

"Did anyone see that?  Did anyone see that?  Good.  Good."  More fear of God, via Attitash Super G.  But as Ice Cube said, no one I know got killed.  Today was a good day.
Arcing.  Shredding.  Ted Ligety sees this video still and says, "THAT'S what I want to look like."
Bullet.  Crushing.  Wengen swag.  Hundies don't matter when you win by this much.
And if you're a coach, I imagine this is where you start reevaluating your life.
Well you knocked down everything except the seven pin and the ten pin... I'd say you're looking at a SPLIT.
Conclusion (happy!) and vid after the jump:

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Phil Mahre's Advice Part 1

When I was a second year J2, Phil Mahre came on a training trip with us to Nakiska.  About halfway through the camp he gave a talk on what it takes to be a world champion.  Phil knew everything there was about GS and slalom, but admitted that he didn't know that much about speed.  However, he did have this nugget of advice for us.  "If you're going up for your run, try not to watch last girls.  They'll put the fear of God into you."  Today, I will reaffirm this fear of God for you.  The setting?  Sugarloaf. As always.

You know, I take it back!  Usually these girls are scared, but this is pure aggression!  Tucking at the top of headwall?  What would Doug Lewis say about this?  Probably something annoying!
Okay... I mean you're a little off the gate, but that's fine.  It's a high speed engagement, and plastic hurts.  You got this no problem, I think.
Dear... that's the outside gate.
Conclusion pics (EW) + video after the jump.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Ho Hum, Ho Hum...

Another day another dollar.  UNREAL snow fart at the end.
Dude you should have had a 5-hour energy or something.  You can't be falling asleep when you're skiing.  Stop yawning.  Stop yawning dude.
Look at the outside ski.  I guess it's hard ripping turns with noodles on your feet.
This is what a cat would look like skiing GS and coughing up a hairball at the same time.
More pics after the jump:

Bates/Midd Wrap-up

As always, thanks to Cory Ransom for the pics.

Snow farts for days.  Eat some prunes.  Get it together.  Stop snow farting.
Just so casual.  So sick.  PS this obviously wouldn't be blogged minus a mustache.  Sam finished 5th. 
The world renowned speed skater rounds the last corner, on the way to gold!
I tried to get a pic of a skater turning the other way...
but they don't do that.
Did someone pick up Massie's groin during second run inspection?  I hope so.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Ladies and Gentlemen...

The winner and undisputed champ of the women's slalom, Jackie "Pacquiao" Maier!  Jackie is looking lean and mean in this run.  Strong jaw.  Strong jaw.  Until she gets wrecked by a left uppercut from... herself?  Down goes Maier!  Down goes Maier!
Good stuff right here.  Outside ski, check.  Good angles, check.
And is that... a vintage pole plant!  Holy poop!  Sign this girl up for a Warren Miller film!  Get her some neon!  Stop the presses!  Bravo!  Bravo!
The recoil is palpable.
The champ doesn't just give up that easily.  You can't take her out, course.
Video and conclusion after the jump:

Suicide 6

Slow double, little base lodge, ancient snow cat and a sunny day--this is where the soul of New England skiing resides. Suicide 6 is among the elite Eastern resorts that remind us why we still tune our skis after four straight DNFs.

The cafeteria also had their act together. Dozens of breaky sands awaited the horde of hungry boys who had arrived to try and claim America's oldest FIS trophy.


Double Cheese! Gotta love that. Suicide 6 is once again at the forefront of skiing innovation, stacking those slices of Kraft American whist other resorts leave patrons dairy deficient. Keep it up, you're making hometown hero Andrew McNealus very proud; future generations of racers shan't be disappointed.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Bad Internet in Sunday River

Got some good stuff for you soon though!  Can't upload videos now.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Harlem Shake Vids

I told you...

BU + USCSA Skiing:
Notre Dame Part 1:
More after jump:

An Incredible Display of Accuracy

Will Brandenburg, tummy slider extraordinaire!  So smooth.  So suave.  Penguins see Will Brandenburg slide on his tummy and get jealous.  Will Brandenburg's coaches AND PARENTS hope that he crashes so that he can slide on his tummy instead of finishing.  Will Brandenburg can score sub 50 point results SOLELY ON HIS STOMACH.  Will Brandenburg has kevlar abs.

Okay, he's down 3 seconds at the split, but that's fine... he's a slalom skier at heart.  Let it be.
Brief sidenote, I LOVE blogging the first screenshot+caption combo.  Right before the drama begins.  It's always brightest right before they turn off the lights, or something.  I'm kind of a sicko.

My owners taught me better than to poop and then clean my butt with the carpet.
I'm a dog.
*Insert Harlem Shake Drop*
Video + tummysliding after the jump:

Can't Even Screenshot

This one is just so phenomenal I can't screenshot it.  Nothing other than watching this video in full, glorious length is appropriate.  Okay fine I'll screenshot it.  Get new goggles.  Do us all a favor.

"Okay, reaching a bit but not the end of the world."
"Wait... wait... wait.. what?"
"I feel like an Arab in Zero Dark Thirty!  Lights out, baby!"
Pics + vid after the jump:

Monday, February 18, 2013

Wind Hold Part 2

In my four years at Dartmouth I've seen two windholds... last Saturday (Dartmouth Carnival slalom cancelled) and yesterday (Dartmouth Carnival slalom rescheduled).  Fortunately the snowcat operators were kind.  Jerryoftheday, sorry if I'm intruding on your territory...

Make way for ducklings!
Submissions to
Photo credit to Gunnar

Sunday, February 17, 2013


Classic.  So classic.  Really I can't even give myself a caption on this one.  Sorry.  I've failed you, blogosphere.

Saturday, February 16, 2013


Editor's Note:  I'm going to start using the "Jump" function, so that you don't have to scroll down through every picture when I blog 13 pic crashes.  So get used to it.

Getting worked.  Yoga city.  I like it, I love it.  I want some more of it.
As Peter Dodge says, "The hardest gate on a course is the one after you lean in."
It appears there could be some truth in that statement. 
Get out the mat.  Play the music.  Get the tight pants out...
Video after the jump:

Friday, February 15, 2013

Breakfast Sandwich Time!

Editor's Note:  Obviously Slalom Tokyo Drift has been your number one source for ski racing misery for quite some time now.  However, I've grown increasingly concerned with the lack of lodge breakfast sandwich reviews available on the internet.  I eat breakfast sandwiches every day (twice on Sundays) and spend a lot of mornings in lodges.  But fear no more, Ian!  I've enlisted Sam's help to keep you up to date on the most delicious breakfast sandwiches in New England.  Blog on, young Sam.  Blog on.


Ahoy Narps,
Whilst you folks have been enjoying images of fools on the slopes, I have been sampling the finest flavors of the ski racing circuit - yup, it's breakfast sandwich time.

Sandwiches are graded on a three part scale, and given a final numerical rating.
The basic equation: (Qualtiy+Quantity+Eatability)/Price
Remember your order of operations people.
Quality and Quantity are fairly self-explanatory. Eatability includes presentation, ease of consumption, friendliness of service, etc.

Let us begin our tour at the Middlebury Snow Bowl, home of Vermont's finest high school cafeteria.

(Banana for scale)
Overall-4.27 (the scale basically ranges from 1-6, so this is pretty good)

A quality sandwich leads to a quality day of racing at the Snow Bowl. Make sure your ticket is on your goggles, the lifties make Bruce Willis look soft hearted... and those Midd-Kids are super nice, can't wait until they apply to college.

Editor's Note, Part 2:  If you don't appreciate the breakfast sandwich component of this blog or are a vegetarian honestly just go stick your head into a toilet.


Not like... the mountain.  I'm experimenting with the jump function.  Let's see how it works.

Gruesome pictures of Chris Keating, click "Read More" to see them.

Schladming 2.0

Congratulations to Ted Ligety on his historic victory.  Congratulations to Thomas Fanara for making it to Tokyo Drift Slalom Ace!
I know I was too lazy for this earlier... so here it is now.
...sick line bro.  Do you even?
Alright, when it gets a little tough you just gotta FIGHT and get back on line!
Ahh... I forgot Fanara is French.  Break out the white flags and corkscrews.
Bro no one is storming Normandy to save you today.
Close up.  Are you TRYING to put that panel on your head?  What do you think it is?
A beret?

A+ commentary.  You won't find it anywhere else, folks.  Submissions to

Thanks for reading.  Please share.

Schaldming 2, Losers 0.

Some people just can't perform under pressure, I guess.

"Dad!  Dad!  Did you see me?  I'm winning the top split!  I'm winning the top split!"
Speaking of... I'll take a banana to go with that SPLIT.
Well, I hope her mom didn't want any grandchildren.
Low visibility.  High speed.  Death imminent.
Make sure you get that arugula out of your teeth.  When you're flossing.  With the net. 
Some pretty incredible airtime with those skis right now.  But you might want to grab them.
Scorpion Queen 
What's that?  You want another angle?  Done.  Done.

Yeah, I'll take a PIZZA to go with that SPLIT.
This honestly looks like performance art now.  What moves! 
This honestly looks like she is just a person taking a dog on a walk the way she's looking at that ski.

Her neck probably feels pretty good.  And how are her eyes?  I can see her goggles.  They are being worn by an invisible, eight foot tall man. 
Fuck it, let's do some pushups.
Submissions to

Lots of good ones coming up LET'S GO!