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Friday, January 31, 2014

FLYGANDE FREDAG - Fillipo Airlines Edition

Yeah baybeee it's FRIDAYYYYYYY!!!  Fillipo Caponi breaking bones and breaking hearts.  And why not!  Why not!  Flights are cheaper than ever.  You are now free to move about the country.


Send me pics, send me crashes.  Theamericanmob@gmail.com.  Slalom ace out.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

What's That Old Country Song?

"Don't Let Your Daughters Grow Up To Be Speed Racers"?


Looks like Katharine almost got a score...  But then again it's tough when only three of the best five at start um.. don't have 990 points.  East coast speed skiing at its finest.  Slalom Ace out.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

GPS Doesn't Always Work in Idaho

Some A+ footage from the state that brought us potatoes and Nick Bailey.  There's rumors that Idaho borders Canada as well, but it's hard to know for sure.  Not a whole lot going on in Idaho, as evidenced by my main man Jonas Olafson completely missing his stop on the speed bus.  What kind of line were you thinking of my man!  How does one straddle while tucking!  Mind boggling.  Deflating.  You poor thing.  A Canadian in Idaho huh?  Coming for that mean hybrid dish... Canadian poutine with Idaho french fries.  I get it.  I get it.


Thanks to Shannon for the video!  Maybe Jonas put his head through the panel in honor of Ernest Hemingway.  That guy didn't like his time in Idaho either.  Good grief, Charlie Brown.  Send me some good stuff!  theamericanmob@gmail.com.  Slalom Ace out.

Big Old Night in Mont-Ste-Anne

Alright, this is a true story.  Not like those other Wildlife Wednesday jokes.  During my stint in college (4 years, way too short, I know) I went up to Mont-Ste-Anne for some GS races.  Now this is no "NCAA" type situation on a "Varsity College Team", ya know what I mean?  So after the race was over on day one, I headed out to the bars with one of my friends that I met on the side of the course earlier in the day.  His name is Fredrick, and he is a moose.  So we head out to the bars and start with a few great beers.  In Quebec there are a lot of restaurant/breweries and we were at one of the ones that had 20 or so beers on tap.  Obviously we decided we were gonna try each one.  So we started at the top of the menu and slowly worked our way to the bottom.  At the end of the night we were wrapping everything up and decided to rip a few shots for good measure.  The bartender says, "you fellas have had a good run," and tries to cut us off, but we talked him into two shots.  I throw some back fast, because I have first run inspection in four hours, ya know? So I rip the shots, and my buddy Fredrick does too.  And he just falls right off his barstool and slams onto the ground.  Now if we were in the states I obviously would have taken care of him, no problem right?  But since we're in Canada I figure nahhhhh I'll just let him be, the hospital trip will be free.  I leave Fredrick on the ground and walk out of the door.  As I'm leaving the bartender goes "Hey buddy you can't just leave that lyin' there!"  And I say, "Sooorry?  That's not a lion, that's a moose!  Ya hoser!"

So after 22 drinks and 4 hours of sleep I scored my first sub-10 FIS result at the race next morning.  That's a true story.  Made out with Tine Weireither in the hot tub that night too.  Wasn't good when Julia Mancuso found out.

Video of Fredrick the next morning:


How hungover was that Moose!  I'll tell ya boys... never a dull moment in Canada.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

A Little Toepiece Tuesday Action

For the boys and girls -- Toepiece Tuesday, Deja Vu, Deja Vuesday, Deja Toepiece Tuesday.  Doug Lewis thinks there could be a hole there!  How astute!

I want to puchner in my mouth when I see this
Looks like this could be a heel piece malfunction though.
Video:



Mean old Wildlife Wednesday coming up tomorrow!  Because Daddy loves you.  Send me that good good!  Lots of *cough* Harry Potter 4 _________ flames blogs coming soon.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Pitch Perfect and Ligety

Two things I'll never not blog.


Laids Going Cowdonie

Nothing quite like going "Cowdonie".  I looked up what going Cowdonie means online and I have just plain no idea.  Apparently there is a Cowdonie fair.  How that is relevant, I have no idea.  Logic is all upside down when you're down under.  You know what else is upside down?  Luke "Lloyd" Laidlaw.  Unless this is Harry "Harry" Laidlaw.  Made that mistake once.  Not gonna make it again.

Oiiiiii.... chummssss... so chunky, you can CARVE it.
Nothing like getting that dual inside knuck drag.  But at least you're getting off that outside ski early!
#ohlookapenny
Australian air force taking off!  And on the highway to one place and one place only.
THE DANGER ZONE!
Burying the head in the snow.  Smart play.

Ooooiii and when you get to the Outback Steakhouse...
You gotta park the caboose!
Video:



This video is certainly nothing without the audio.  Fuck mayte, you alright?  Laids going cowdonie at Coronet peak.  He certainly was.  Super cowdonie.  So cowdonie.  I really, really want to know what cowdonie means.  Will someone PLEASE tell me what cowdonie means.  theamericanmob@gmail.com.  Tell me what cowdonie means.  Thanks to Sam for the video.  Slalom Ace out.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Juvenile, I Can't Wait

Girl you look good won't you back that ass up.  Andreas Zampa Europa cupping his balls before hitting life switch.  Take a gander at this goose.  Some serious zamplitude on this run, if you know what I mean.  But haaaaaaave ya met Liam Mulhern?



More phenomenal blogs coming soon.  I need a nap.  Send crash videos to theamericanmob@gmail.com  Thanks to Andreas Zampa for his crash video!  Slalom Ace out.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Delayed Flygande Fredag

Sorry about that.  I was busy going to ski races.  Something you'll never have to worry about from Alpine Press these days... am I right?  Anyways, here is an exquisite display of flying through the air brought to you by Drew West and the fine people of Burke Mountain Academy, home of the Wyatt pancake special.  In case anyone doesn't know (unlikely, I know) the Wyatt pancake special consists of two blueberry pancakes, with chocolate chips tossed in the middle.  The reason for this is that blueberries don't get burnt, but chocolate does, so in an ideal world the chocolate would have a lower temperature.  Well folks, there is no ideal world.  Drew West knows that.  However, there is an ideal pancake, and its name is the Wyatt pancake special.

After toepiece tuesday comes...
FLYGANDE FREDAG!!!  SUPERMAN!
But then again, today is #semiseriousconcussionsaturday
Ahh... who put that gate there.
Drew West: "What have I done to deserve such a fate!"
Video:


Thanks to Amber and Jack for the crash.  Also, thanks to whomever is coaching for their phenomenal play by play commentary.  This is a video you simply much watch with audio.  Carnage, indeed.  And just like everything we do on the blog, we liked the crash, but we hope you're okay.  In honor of the state of the union address coming later today, I will give a state of Slalom Tokyo Drift update.  It's strong as shit.  Slalom Ace out.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

WILDLIFEWEDNESDAY AGAIN!

So one of my good friends who goes to UVM recently turned 21, and I went up to Burlington for his birthday.  All of his friends were well into their mid 20s, what with the multiple years on the world cup circuit and all, so he had really been looking forward to finally being able to hit the bars with them.  Anywhere there was this one bar they really said he should go to, and he was really pumped about it, so that's where we went.  I don't really remember the name of it.  Hmm.  I think it was like a weird play on an Irish name or something.  I'm totally blanking, sorry guys.  Anyways, not important.  So we go to the bar around 8:30, sit down, and order a beer.  It's a really weird scene.  First of all, there are no chicks.  Which isn't a big deal or anything, but it was kinda weird.  Obviously chicks are pretty sweet.  Sup laydeeeeeez.  Also, after we got our first round, guys just kept buying us drinks.  But we rolled with it, I just figured someone knew it was his birthday.  Anyways, around 9:30 some guy just grabbed my ass and immediately everything clicked.  I realized it was a gay bar.  Now I'm not homophobic or anything, but I wanted to get out immediately and so did my friend, because we didn't want to spend his 21st birthday there.  We hustled outside to the alleyway and started to reevaluate.  So we're outside, pissed off, he's yelling at his friends on the phone, when I swear to god, a deer walks through the alleyway.  It was probably something to do with the trash out back, I don't know, maybe the deer smelled salt.  But then the deer looks at us and goes, "You guys look disappointed, what's up?"  Without hesitation, and because based on last wildlife wednesday you must know I always talk to animals when they talk to me, I explained the situation.  "Ahh man, that sucks.  Gay bars are tough." said the deer back to us.  "I had a shitty night too."  The deer looked just as upset as I did.  "What happened?" I asked.  The deer looked me right in the eye and wiped his mouth with his hoof.  "I got drunk and blew fifty bucks in there."

Gay bars are tough.  Without further ado!  WILDLIFE WEDNESDAY!
Bet this cute little deer knows just what I'm talking about.  I've seen Bambi, don't even try me.
So anyways... for next Wednesday I'm gonna need a picture/video of an animal that isn't a Bear or Deer, and a corresponding terrible pun joke.  Could be a stretch, loyal readership, but I'm counting on you.  theamericanmob@gmail.com.  Slalom Ace out.


Carnival Round Up Part Deuce

I totally forgot about this funny joke I was gonna make:



That time Kate Ryley won the women's GS by so much she had time to take a nap in the finish area before the next girl came through!

EDIT:  Yes, unnamed person, I do understand that this isn't how alpine ski racing works.  Do you understand that you can't actually take a nap in 3.64 seconds?  Good, then we're on the same page.

EDIT PART 2:

Carnival Round Up - Sad Faces

As they say in Brazil, it's time to carnival!  The NCAA season is upon us like a wrecking ball.  But unfortunately Sugarloaf isn't all mediocre burgers from The Bag and elite breakfast sandwiches from D'Ellie's.  The slopes are treacherous, even when they aren't blowing snow on the race hill during a race.  You must always focus at Sugarloaf... no other mountain would think to schedule the only speed week on the east coast the same week as the special olympics, EVERY SINGLE YEAR.  Talk about a mixed bag of abilities.  Frostbite, snowsnakes, and food poisoning from "fresh caught" salmon served up on two-fer-Tuesdays at Gepetto's.  Thanks to www.DustinSatloff.com for posting this year's carnival pics.  Now here we go...

The tongue out is a nice touch.  Very Jordanesque, as you blow by that blue gate as did Jordan to so many defenders.  Can't spell "Definitely Awesome" without DNF.
My go to joke per usual: "Hello?  Sugarloaf guest services?  Yes, I'm looking for lost and found... have you seen my outside ski anywhere?"
Sheer terror.  God I love Sugarloaf.
This is Jeanne Barthold.  She started 21st and finished 3rd in her home carnival, her senior year.  Probably her best race ever.  And this is how she feels about it. 
Too much of a good thing can be bad.  Take angles, for example.
A beautiful shot of the northern light reflecting onto a gigantic snow fart.  Snow snake not visible but obviously in the frame somewhere.  Kind of like Where's Waldo except everything's white. 
There's nowhere I'd rather see in my rearview mirror than Sugarloaf.  That's for damn sure.
Thanks to Gunnar for the link.  I got Zampa's instagram video!  And it is preeeeeeeety good.  Daddy loves you.  theamericanmob@gmail.com with new stuff.  Blog pipeline is heating up.  See the east coast NCAA circuit on Friday!  #roadtobartlett, Slalom Ace out.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Tony Montana meets Kenny Powers meets Rick James

Before we get to the crash, I'd like to focus on the exquisite video work you are about to see.  Too often in my line of business, I find myself wishing the coach in question would zoom in to document the screams and agony of defeat, instead of putting the camera down to quickly run to the aid of their athlete, and perhaps stop the bleeding or pick up the missing skis, goggles and groin muscles.  So here's to you, video man or woman.  You deserve it.  Now, as they say in Mulan, let's get down to business.

Bizarre half stivot while maintaining arcs.  If you pressure now you will go 4 feet inside the gate, mister.
Knock it off, or it will knock you off.
So when in doubt, split the difference!
Uh oh.  Groin missing?  We saw this with Acosta!  If you straddle, it's game over... 
But you did not!  By mere inches!  Or as they say in ski racing, centimeters, I think.  You're home free!
Unless that is.. your inside ski catches on the OTHER side.
This is the exact moment where one starts to reevaluate the choices they've made that got them this far in life.
As opposed to this moment, where one thinks that they are too young and beautiful to die.
It's hard thinking with mashed potatoes for brains.
That's not where my goggles go!
Checking to make sure there's still some brain left there.  Hint.  There's not.
Tony Montana meets Kenny Powers meets Rick James.
Video:


Thanks to everyone who has sent in videos!  I'm gonna get to them all, I promise.  Daddy loves each of you equally, but differently.  This shot sent to you by James Marshall.  theamericanmob@gmail.com with that new stuff.  If anyone knows Andreas Zampa tell him to send me his instagram video.  Slalom Ace out.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Back To Back Jacks

Look, there's no other way to say it.  These are two back to back homerun videos.  Whammy, whammy.  Let's get the Verizon call to the bullpen.  Get that guy out of there!  Ian's teeing off on him!  Marina Nigg, trying to get her first world cup points in three years.  She made second run.  Lichtenstein is on their feet with excitement.  She's a little down at the split but it ain't no thing, those points are so close she can almost taste them.
Yes Marina, yes!  You and your slightly politically incorrect last name are are flying down the course to fame.
Lichtenstein is on their feet!
No Marina, no!  Are you leaning in?  Why are you leaning in!  Who told you to do that!  Not me!
Marina, that's the wrong way!  You can't go around the blue gate that way!  Turn around!
Not all is lost.  If you just hike fast you'll be able to salvage these top 30 points!  You just gonna finish girl!
Marina!  Marina!  Marina!  The people are chanting your name.  Keep hiking, the blue gate is just...
Right...
There.
And there it goes.  The blue gate is Kate Winslet.  Marina Nigg is Leo.
I'll never let go Jack.  But Kate DID let go.  And Marina did not make second run.
Reevaluating life choices.  Good job making flip from 56 Marina!
Video:

Thanks to Johan for the video.  Skis long, money long.  Me and slalom skiers we don't get along.  Slalom all day, bodies in the hallway.  theamericanmob@gmail.com.  Slalom Ace out.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Mediocre Footage - Great Crash

You've got the classic horizontal footage of a vertical video thing going here, but I think the crash translates regardless.  If we're about anything over here at Slalom Toyko Drift, it's adding insult to injury.  What's that, you caught an inside edge?  You're back in it.  Oh wait, you caught that same inside edge again and wrecked?  Well at least there's not a fence coming up.  There IS a fence coming up?  Well at least after you're done crashing into it you won't flip over again.  Actually, I'm calling for a serious inquiry into that last little flop.



If I were the ref, I would have definitely given a technical foul for that dive at the end.  No such thing as pity points in ski racing.  The Emmy's aren't until next September, let's cool it with the televised drama, huh?  Where'd you learn that from anyways?


Guys, it's gonna be a great week of blogs.  We already have another creme de la creme #wildlifewednesday, and #flygandefredag practically writes itself.  That said, it's always a good time to reload the Slalom Tokyo Drift war cabinet.  Let it happen.  You better work like Brittney said. Theamericanmob@gmail.com.  Thanks so much to Andrea for the crash!