Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Garmin GPS Crash of the Week

Good grief!  You got your high lines and your low lines, and your early lines and your straight lines, but this is something special.  Good thing Okemo doesn't set their panels where the rest of the world does, otherwise this guy would need a cat scan and two new front teeth.  I think the last time I saw someone this far off the earth Sanda Bullock got nominated for an Oscar.  Either that or the Death Star blew up.
Houston... we have a problem:
If I were up there all I could think would be...

Thanks to Greg Murray for the picture!  Strapping up the race boards on Saturday, let's GOOO!  I live for this.  Some good videos coming later this week.  Send me more at theamericanmob@gmail.com.
Can someone send me Abby's lightning video from last weekend?  Slalom ace out.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Nolan at the Olympics!

And getting some insane two-for-one deals:

Hover-Nolan is hovering 2 inches above the ground, but at least he has a pole plant going!  So that's nice!
At this point I can't sum up what's going through Nolan's head.  I'm no olympian.  But the face is always a good place to start.
This is not the face of a man who is executing plan "A".
Quick little karate kick...
And we're back!
And how do you feel now big guy?

What did Ted and Felix think about this course?
Well after this type of shenanigans...
You just gotta chill sometimes and feel bad together.
Adam Zampa has no idea what event he's skiing.  Slopestype was last week man.  Sick hands.  Raise the roof!
Got a good lineup for you the rest of the week plus one more roundup from Sochi.  Send me that good stuff.  theamericanmob@gmail.com.  Slalom ace out.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

And On Sunday?

The good lord said "Go Forth and Straddle."  And it was good.  Tara "Just Barely Legal" Siegle straddling at Song Mountain, NY.  Which I have definitely never heard of before.  But it sounds super chill.  Thanks to Ned for the pics.

Numero Dos... the pressure is off you.  And yet, the pressure is on your inside ski.
I see someone dipping their foot into the water to test the temperature. 
Way too hot!  Get back!  Get back!
Winding up for the 360.  I'm on that good good.
Maybe a very fast attempt to get back up the hill?
Or it could just be... 
A snow fart.  Wipe four times, flush twice.  Double ply toilet paper.  Folded over.  This could get ugly.
I went to Pat's Peak today for the first time.  I really liked it.  Suicide Six, NH version.  I also learned about thigh gaps from U16 girls, so that was a little frightening.  Stop reading Cosmo, EVERYONE.  Good grief.  Skiers aren't supposed to have thigh gaps.  Come on, man.  Send me stuff!  theamericanmob@gmail.com.  Slalom Ace out.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Mariachi Down!

Thanks to my homie jcawthonfasciana for the phenomenal pictures and even more impressive turnaround.  Well I'm sure you've all heard about the Mexican Sensation, the Royal Disaster, the man, the myth, the legend, the Dos Equis guy asks HIM to tell stories... ya boy Prince Hubertus von Hohenloe.  He's been on Today.  He's been all over Sochi.  He's been on your girlfriend.  He's been on your mom.  He's been on your girlfriend's mom.  And he's done it all wearing this:

G'd up from the feet up.
The only place he hasn't been is on the podium.  Despite this being his 8th olympics.  And it wasn't gonna change in the slalom today...

That's one way to get some sponsor attention.  Hey everyone, know what Hubertus thinks about Carrera? 
But the dance of the Mariachi is a tough one.
And without a bunch of short men with small guitars behind you...
You are simply another Don Quijote stabbing windmills.  But Sancho Panza is long gone.
Cue the music:

I actually kind of live for this guy.  His path through life kind of reminds me of my own ski career.  theamericanmob@gmail.com with crashes.  Slalom Ace out.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Keep Your Head Down To The Finish

Or actually, maybe don't do that.  Maybe keep your head up and try not to straddle the last gate before the finish.  Stephan "I like Big Butz" Lutz of Germany lives the loser life after skiing the loser line.  It's hard out there for an OG.  But hey, there's always next year, right?  I mean, there's always the next four years!  The #roadtoPyeongChang definitely doesn't involve both feet going on different sides of a gate though.  God it would suck if this happened to me.  Good thing the NCAA shut me down.  Actually based on my performance the last two weeks at Dartmouth and DU it's probably best for my safety and the safety of those I hold in the bonds of affection that the NCAA shut me down.  But I digest.  Back to the main course:

Stephan "I only text S" Lutz straddling the last gate like a goddamn buffoon.
Yeah bro just reach for that finish line.  No one will notice you've got a red flag wrapped around your boot.  "Oh zat?  Zat's always been zere!"
Yeah if I were your ski I'd reevaluate our relationship as well.  Turd.
He's dialing 1800-WOODCHIPPER looking for a final resting place for his skis.
Back on the coaching grind tomorrow ladies and gents.  U16 girls are at Sunapee!  Let's goooo!  Congratulations to Mikaela for her impressive and inspiring performance:

But I couldn't let her off THAT easily.  What are you thinking with that outside pole girl!  Fending off a dementor or what?
Got some MONEY blogs coming up.  Vacation is over.  I'm back on the grind.  I promise.  theamericanmob@gmail.com with things that will make me laugh.  Slalom Ace out.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Skiing in Europe

So fun, just so fun:

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snowwwwwwww...
Ohhh the weather outside is weather!  Got some strong blogs coming.  Send me that new stuff at theamericanmob@gmail.com.  This is taken from someone's instagram but I forget whose.  Slalom ace out.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

A-Net, Big Crash

Marie Marchand-Arvier marching right into the nets.  The socialist/nazis over at NBC have this clip locked the eff down, but the extensive team over at Slalom Tokyo Drift has you covered per usual.  Literally insane how no one can have more than one picture of this at a time.  So between screenshots, prayers, photoshop, and microsoft paint, I pulled a little something together for you.


En direct.  I don't know what that means.  I'm guessing it means, "Keep watching, this should be good."
Or maybe, "About to break."
I don't know why but all I can think of right now is Channing Tatum in Magic Mike tearing off his ripaway sweatpants.
The fence taketh away...
And the fence giveth back!
Scrambled eggs.  Frying bacon.  Terrible.
Marie "Allergic To Everything" Marchand-Arvier almost certainly about to sneeze due to snow poisoning.
Send me that good good.  theamericanmob@gmail.com.  Slalom Ace out.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Olympics -- Never Forget

Literally insane I never got a chance to do this in the olympics.  I just plain don't get it.  I can wear sleeves like that.  I CAN WEAR SLEEVES LIKE THAT.  And not to ruin any suspense but the drum solo at the end?  I was born to do that.  More accurately, I was for goddamn sure born in the wrong decade.  I would have crushed the 80s so hard.  Anyone who has gone with me to karaoke knows that.  What I lacked in skiing ability I made up for in showmanship and beautiful hair.  That's exactly what they said about Swayze, by the way.

Thanks to Julien for the video!  theamericanmob@gmail.com with crashes or really just anything blogworthy.  A+ work by Julien thinking outside the box here.  Slalom ace out.

Friday, February 14, 2014


Not much else needed here.  Brian "Calm Under Pressure" Francis with ice-water running through his veins and a heart made of steel.  Jesus, Brian.  You could have KILLED that little kid.  No matter.  It ain't easy being a slalom ace, that's for damn sure.

The weather is pretty perfect in Jackson.  We skied 27,000 vertical feet today without a single groomer.  The dogs are barking.  Probably should have done a little more aerobic this fall.  Naptime.  Send me videos!  Slalom Ace out.

Go Home ESPN

You're drunk.

Jackson, WY.  Let's goooo.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Olympic Round Up Part 1

Sochi we go hard, we go hard:

Marker Bindings, the official sponsor of Toepiece Tuesday.
Hard to know for sure what's going on right here.  I think Putin is involved somehow though. 
#ThrowbackThursday Alberto Tomba literally leaking sex out of his suit.  And smelling like confidence. 
Laurenne Ross #FacialFriday-ing to the best of her abilities.
I hate when that happens.  It's real tough on the mascara.
#SleepySaturday aka the agony of defeat.
Is that net Maroon 5?  Because you're all tangled up in it.
One of my favorite athletes looks like he took a Rok to the face!  No olympic Perks there.
"How'd our nordies do this weekend?" -- Ahh.. they all hiked.  Classic Shpall joke.
Just got some insane videos in.  Might not blog them this weekend...  Slalom Ace needs a snorkel for all that powder.  I'm going to Jackson.  Deuces.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Hard Hitting NYT Journalism

Gotta love this outside the box comparison.  Already blogged this joke once about comparing times from the same event year over year... but now it seems I'll have to remake the joke about comparing times from an entirely different venue.  All the news that's fit to print, folks:

Of course, we can't proceed without mentioning:

Never change, NYT.  Every four years I expect you to outdo yourself.  Thanks to my momma for the news tip!  Slalom Ace out.

Apparently I gotta stop being so rough on these guys!

Snow Bowl Balling

Or possibly a little ballet, in honor of #whammywednesday, the day after #toepiecetuesday.  Andrew "Thirty Racka" Maca at Sugarloaf.  Not sure when this was, because my skiing career ended, causing me to quickly lose touch with the E-Cup circuit, ski racing terms, and what in life makes me happy.  Wow, that got dark.  Anyways, turn down for what:

Big boy angles.  Big boy speed.  Big boy GS hill.
But little boy bindings... TURN (your bindings) DOWN FOR WHAT!
Look at this elegance in the face of near-certain death.  Let's go Maca.  Grace under pressure.
The 360 has been completed.  Time to resume the course, try to make flip at the very least.
Ohhhhh WHAMMY but at least it's not a...
DOUBLE WHAMMY oh wait... wait it could be a double whammy.

Vacation day 3 update:  Hit 70 today on powder skis because George told me I had to.  Gonna get a little weird tonight and then George and I are taking the moped up to Wyoming, the birthplace of powder snow and Annie Proulx.  Send me videos theamericanmob@gmail.com.  Slalom ace out.