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Sunday, March 30, 2014

Whammy Burke Crashes Part 1 and 2

So I have some exciting news coming to you fools.  What is the number one rule of starting internet blogs?  Why do you do it?  Is it for the money?  (Hint, it's not about the money, money, money).  It's for the hot ass interns, scantily clad as always.  Well I went to the UNH Funraiser this weekend.  And I picked me up a hot ass intern.  Meet Charlie:

YUM.  Break some off for daddy.  Let me bring the noise to your front door.  From my stomping grounds to yours.  I literally have 50 videos waiting for Charlie to make snarky comments about.  Nothing like laughing at others' misfortune.




Slalom ace out.  Don't send me more videos I'm literally just over it and I can't even.  Okay fine send them to me.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Oh God Dude Jesus Dude!

I gotta say, there's a lot in this crash that could have been drawn up a little better.  From a planning standpoint, I just don't get it.  From an athlete safety standpoint, I hate it.  From a Slalom Tokyo Drift standpoint... I live for it.  I love it.  I need some more of it.  Let's start with the basics.  One:  How do we feel about running a speed race at night under the lights.  Do we like it?  My brain says no but my heart says yes.  Same strategy as NHL fights and Nascar I guess... everyone likes a little carnage now and again.
Put in your flat light lenses and crank up the DIN boys and girls!
Because this one is gonna be a ripper... oh, and there are holes all over the race course.
Ah, good to see that DNF is sponsoring the course.  That's nice at least.
Looking for aerodynamics?
Nope... just horribly, horribly compressed.
I don't think I've seen this particular move in a long time.  Bring out the Graham investment interns and the cardboard...
Because we're going breakdancing!
Emphasis on "break".
Video:

Thanks to Kristin for the crash!  Don't ever change, all of you.  I am getting absolutely overwhelmed with emails these days, but keep sending the crashes in!  I will blog them!  Maybe.  theamericanmob@gmail.com.  Slalom ace out.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Just Another Tragic Loss

The snow snake.  If there's anything we know about it, it's that everyone is affected equally.  It strikes anywhere, at any time.  Well, disproportionally in snowy areas.  That's true.  I admit that.  Coming to you live from a country I haven't been in, from a language I don't understand.  A crash.  That much is universal.  Thanks to Auður Brynja Sölvadóttir for the crash.  Just don't ask me to pronounce your name.



Oh and PS for the next time you get yourself in a situation like that:

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/tags/leg-workouts

Maybe something to think about.  Send me crashes, I'll blog them eventually.  Maybe.  Slalom Ace stronger than ever, but just as out.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Oh BOO HOO

That's right, I have an absolute TON of crashes that I haven't posted.  You know why?

 Because I'm busy winning races.  Yes, that U16 was a little too close for comfort.  And yes, there are rumors that the Brothers Tarberry may have hit the bar before second run.  But you know what who doesn't have any excuses?  Me.  You'll get your crashes when I'm damn well ready.  In fact... I should have saved this post for #stillgotitsunday.  Whatever.  NCAA can't kill my vibe and neither can you.  I'll post something good tonight, I promise.  Slalom Ace out.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

2014 Crash Of The Year

USCSA.  Unreal.  Whatever NCAA thinks they have, I couldn't care less.  You wouldn't see a Panel GS in a NCAA race.  You wouldn't see a jump in a NCAA race.  And you DAMN sure wouldn't see the insane dedication of red course guy.  This is incredible.  I'm awestruck.  I'm blinded by the bright lights of the USCSA circuit.  Does anyone know if I still have any USCSA eligibility?  I don't want to be part of this... I need to be.  This race has a better plot than the majority of the Harry Potter books, and I don't toss around praise like that lightly.  Feast on this.


I need an ESPN 30 for 30 starring these two racers and I need it yesterday.  Does anyone know who these people are?  I think Slalom Tokyo Drift is going to be conducting an interview.  Thanks to Clark, the prettiest Macomber of them all, for the crash.  Send me stuff.  Slalom Ace out.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Some Will Win

Some will lose.  Some are born to straddle blues.  This crash has a bit of everything I like to see... you got your Vermont snow snake (native to the Middlebury Ski Bowl), your straddle, and especially your good to bad to worse to way worse.  Gosh I like watching this and not living this.  Kara Shaw doing the damn thing.  No animals were harmed in the making of this video.  Just kidding.  A snowsnake and a panther meet.  Who wins?  We all do.  We all do.
Kara's angles have angles.  Crispy angles.
But what's that wrapped around Kara's right leg?  Could it be?
THE NOTORIOUS MIDDLEBURY SNOW SNAKE!  ON CAMERA!  How elusive.
Oh well at least this is gonna end well.
Some are born to straddle blues.  God I wish I could be that gate.  Kisses.
dun dun dun dun dun dun... dun dun dun SAAAAAAAIL
No regrets, no mercy, no prisoners... the snow snake strikes again.
Video:

On a side note, that last screenshot of Kara is how I usually look when I'm exiting Two Brothers.  That's the name of a bar at Middlebury, I'm not talking about the Mckennas.  Get it together.  But seriously they're very handsome.  Send me crashes.  I'll take "Toepiece Tuesday" for 800, Alex.  Slalom Ace out.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Gettin' Rekt

And not like... erect.  Wrecked.  Geeeeez.  This comes to you courtesy of Rob, who said to me "I was hobbling around this afternoon when someone said I should send this your way."  Which is nice for two reasons.  One, I like to know people are reading and appreciating this blog.  It makes me happy.  Two, it means Rob is alive.  Which I doubted, initially.  Watch it and weep.


At this point, what goes through your head?  I don't really even know.
Booyah booyah.  Another great weekend of Wildcat racing in the books.  Time for a nap.  Send me videos to theamericanmob@gmail.com.  Slalom Ace out.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Straddle Saturday Booyah Booyah

From the mean streets of Bromley comes to you a straddle so devious, so wonderful, you say to yourself... this must be Saturday.  It just must be!  USCSA so you know it's legit.  Thanks to Lauren and Christian for the pics.
I love this face.  You can't tell if she doesn't know she straddled, or if she just figured it out.  Tough.
Yeah, by now I'd hope she's figured it out.  Sick shin guard tape btw.  VT.  Bet they're pumped you're repping.
Strangely enough, this is the face I make when someone suggests a dinner option I really like.  I say "OOOOOOH" and make this face.  Weird, I know. 
I'm not positive but this may be my vinegar stroke face.
... But based on the snow...
Yep definitely my vinegar stroke face.
Big boy race at a little mountain today.  Cranmore.  Warner, Ben Drummond, and a pair of Tarberrys.  I actually feel pretty great now -- I thought my ski career was over, but if Warner and Ben are '81s, then I think I actually just hit the halfway point.  An absolute classic is coming up tomorrow... the Wildcat Sap Run.  Let's... GOOOOO!  Send me crashes.  I'll blog them sooner or later, I promise.  Slalom Ace out.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

RICE - Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation

RICE is the go to for sprains and sore joints,  And this crash has three of the four elements.  No rest.  Just ICE.  Mont St. Anne Downhill 2014, welcome to the Thunderdome.  I've been to St. Anne, and it is gorgeous.  It is also VERY far north of the wall.  Side note over.  So Jon Snow here is losing elevation, crushing through the ice, when he gets a little compression.  Let's see how it works out for him, and whether or not he has been doing any lifting this summer.

"Hooooooo yeah boys... got that low tuck like you read about.  Bode Miller got nothing on me!"
"Boom a little roll coming?  It's nothing.  I'll press those hands forward.  I could do this all day, bodies in the hallway."
"Okay well ya know what I'm so sick at DH I'm actually just gonna show everyone my sponsors now cuz WHY NOT."
"Woo!  Peep these race boards homies!  You peepin?  You peepin?"
"Alright, a little wave to the crowd, and I'll get right back on course."
"Oh fuck I forgot to lift all summer."
"This is not good.  The last time I was in this position Beyonce was on top of me."
"Then I kicked her out of the room when I was done... hehehehe"
"OhfuckohfuckohFUCK I'm going so fast that I'm definitely going to need these fences to save me!"
"Or maybe I'll just slowly come to a stop and take a deep breath with my tongue out.  #Jordan."
Video:

Thanks to Devon for the video!  Take notes folks, this is why you do leg day.  Because when you're racing up in Canada, this far north of the wall... you shall take no crowns and win no glory.  You shall live and die on your course.  You are the skier in the darkness.  You are the watcher of the crashes.  You are the athlete in the starthouse that guards the Tim Horton's.  You pledge your life and honor to the FIS race, for this night and all nights to come.  That's a Game of Thrones joke.  April 6.  I get it I get it.  Videos to theamericanmob@gmail.com.  Slalom Ace out.

UPDATE:  The "Oh Boy" and "Oh Fuck" in this video could not be more Canadian.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Hard Hitting Journalism

This looks about right.  According to the paper:  "Cole Janco opens his mouth as he drives over a gate".

Screaming with disappointment.
But wait a sec...

http://data.fis-ski.com/dynamic/results.html?sector=AL&competitorid=115792&raceid=75336

No... NOOO... NOOOOOOOOO!!!
Injustice!  Call the state troops!  Get the Vermont Governor on the phone!  YAAAA!  Thanks to Andrew for the hot tip.  Slalom Ace out.


#ToepieceTuesday, Typical

Smile and wave boys... smile and wave.  The strange thing about this photo is the guy isn't on Markers!  Weird, I know.  I guess the classic saying about "When you assume" is right.  But then again, that's what life in the 21st century is all about.  Where deleting your history is more important than making it.  God I hope I never run for politics.
No shot this doesn't end up in complete disaster.
NOT!  HE SAVES IT!  HE SAVES IT!
Slalom Tokyo Drift wants to be your Friday night.  Send me crashes theamericanmob@gmail.com.  Slalom Ace out.

Monday, March 10, 2014

#NoMittenMonday

That's just tough.  Frostbite is no joke.  This poor child has suffered enough on his own, no more need to suffer at the expense of our laughter.  Move along here.  Move along.

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Thanks to Caleb for the picture!  Slalom Ace out.

Houston, We Have Liftoff

Thanks to Alex for a wonderful crash, and for FINALLY being the coach that doesn't shut off the video when the athlete has a little bit of trouble.  I want to the people to be able to see the consequences of "risking it for the biscuit", and "riding the slippery noodle" (Steve Porino classic).  Mardi Haskell doing the damn thing with her hamstrings at Norams earlier this year.  Exiting the lower layers of earth all the way into the stratosphere.

Gravity... is working against me....
Gravity... wants to bring me down
Colby Muleses and tailbone bruises.  Just another day in the life.
 

Booyah, baybee, booyah baybee, PEW PEW.  Race season is coming up for this guy.  Five Lafoleys in NH.  Are you ready?  #roadtocranmore starts on Saturday.  I don't want to be your Monday morning back to work, stuck in traffic going slow, nothing on the radio.  Send me stuff.  theamericanmob@gmail.com.  Slalom Ace out.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Congrats To The American All Americans!

All three of them!


Snow Snakes. Not A Joke.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaamy.  Ondrej "So Much Money I Could Start A" Bank getting eaten alive by a monstrous snow snake.  Probably the biggest snow snake I've ever seen.

Woo woooot woo woooot gotta risk it for the biscuit.
A little divergence, but no big deal unless you decide to randomly sit down on your skis instead of carving like an adult.
Oh.  Or you could sit back like a child being potty trained for the first time.  Get it together.
Obligatory ostrich picture:

Hopefully they pick up his groin before the next guy runs.
Side view:
Doing his best Millenium Falcon impression.
Well I've already used the ostrich so I've got nothing.
Ohhhh... Nooo.. that's how Rough Ryders roll.
Video:

Congratulations to the UVM ladies who swept the podium at NCAAs.  Rrawr to the cats indeed.  Slalom Ace out.