Saturday, April 19, 2014

From The Beretta

Putting all the holes in your sweater, the money getter, downhill crashes don't get better!  Carlo Beretta sent me this crash that is simply money in the bank.  It's his own downfall in the Europa cup at Wengen this year.  I really like when things go from bad to worse.  That is really kind of the theme of this video.  Fortunately, Carlo sent me this video, so we know he's still alive and functional enough to type!  So that's nice.

You want the breakdown?  Here's the breakdown.

Well, safe to say Carlo's day is over.  Let's just dial it into a quick stop and call it good.
Or sit down and shit your pants. 
At this point I just don't know what to think.  Carlo, you aren't even in the same time zone as that gate.
Alright, let's hit the brakes before the fence.  You've got a lot of room.
Or... you could do that.
At some point, a coach was like "Guys, I think we should set up a third layer of fencing."  A bunch of other coaches thought, "Buddy, are you effing kidding?" but they did it anyway.  Carlo proved that one coach right.  Never underestimate the slalomtokyodrifting that can go on.  Life is a battlefield.
Thanks to Carlo for the crash!  I'm glad you're okay.  Some of the Slalom Tokyo Drift boys are hitting Tuckerman's ravine tomorrow!  Booyah baybeeee.  Also if there are any good pics from Buff Ball send them my way... or maybe kayak videos.  Don't make me start screenshotting snapchats, ya dig?  Crashes to  Slalom Ace out.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

All I Want For Christmas

Is my two #frontteethfriday.  Jesus.  And THAT'S why you wear a chinbar, gentlepeople.  The tooth fairy is lucky tonight.  I remember back in my day Burke coaches made us wear chinbars and people freaked out.  Literally, an email was sent that contained the sentence, "If I'm old enough to serve in the army, I can decide for myself if I wear a chinbar."  What is the deal?  Do you not wear seatbelts either?  Do you dig the Matt Cooke look?  Or perhaps the Rhat?

Rhat von Arnstein
Well, at this point you know what's happening.  Gander away.

Thanks to Zach Baker for the vid!  Crashes to and stop sending me videos you take on your phone of videos.  Send me the original videos.  It's 2014.  Slalom Ace out.

Who Turned Out The Lights

God I love crashes like this.

Thanks to Joel for the crash.  Skiing Tuckerman's soon!  Who's with me?  Slalom Ace out.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Just Another Day of GS Training For a Slalom Skier

From the mean slopes of Canada comes a big old Trevor White crash, brought to you by Mike Janyk and sent to me by Christian.  It has elements of #toepiecetuesday.  It has elements of #FLYGANDEFREDAG.  I have a lot of confusion watching this.  But nowhere near as much confusion as Trevor White.  He left a lot of brain cells out there.  Talk about leaving it all on the field.  Jesus.  Potential nominee for top 10 crash videos of the year.  Big boys, big dreams... big crashes.  Sounds like an average day in Canada.  The best part about Canada is their Slalom Tokyo Drift submissions run for just SO long.  As they say, there are two seasons in Canada... Winter, and July.  Without futher ado:

Let's check the play by play.

But when you dance along that low line...
You gotta pay the piper.
I like this exact point.  Nothing bad has happened yet.  But you know it will.  I know it will.  We all do. 
BAM!  Give me flip number one.
Back bruises for days.  I get it I get it.
Can I get a flip number two?
Amen!  Hallelujah!  Praise toepiece tuesday.
Headplant.  You know what this calls for.  Every single time.

And can I get a third flip? 
Eh, we'll call it 2.5.
Bam.  I love my job.  Trevor, I hope you're okay.  Crashes to  Slalom Ace out.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Boxing Or Ski Racing?

I had to watch this quite a few times before I figured out what happened, but it looks to me like we probably have a serious Mike Tyson situation on our hands.  Iron firsts, glass jaw.  Coming to you from my girl Nicole, we have a punchout at Lake Placid.  You never really expect to see whiplash like this in a ski crash, but there's a first time for almost everything.  Fortunately she was wearing gloves... you would hate to see bare-knuckle brawling at a nice family establishment like Whiteface.

Kind of unrelated to the actual crash, but this is textbook Slalom Tokyo Drifting.
Ahh, aerodynamics for speed!  Smart, smart.
The pole plant...
BAM!  To the face!

Down goes Frazier!  Down goes Frazier!
As the boxer's tombstone said... you can stop counting, I'm not getting up.
Whammy.  This is why you gotta love Slalom Tokyo Drift, you're always seeing something new.  When I woke up today, I'd never seen anyone knock themselves out in a slalom course.  And now I have.  Oh wait.  Whatever.  Crashes to  Slalom Ace out.

Epic Straddle Could Have Been Worse

Charlie Harrison sent me this so long ago and I forgot to blog it.  Do you know how long ago he sent this to me?  Literally one year ago.  Long pipeline.  Lots of crashes.  It's tough.  But you know what they say, ABC.  Always blog crashes.  Good thing I have hot intern Charlie to help out.

More crashes coming I promise.  Slalom Ace out.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Daniel Maier Goes To The Hospital

WHOOMP!  There it is!  Honestly I don't even know what happened there.  Grainy footage, shaky camera, and a destruction that was not only instant but also complete.  I do have a question for you all though.  It's 2014, is it not?  Why do I get so many cell phone videos of people recording the screen of their computer playing a crash?  Why wouldn't they just send me the original file?  Again, Slalom Tokyo Drift coming up with more questions than answers.  Take a view:

This... this wasn't great.  Better crashes coming this weekend, I promise.  Watching Masters and blogging baby.  But I gotta go.  It's Friday night!  Thanks to Linus for the crash.  Slalom Ace out.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Lindsey Selling Tickets At Vail

I expected to hate this, but I actually kind of like it.

Update Plus Bounty

On Sunday I posted a blog about how I had a great time but lost my UNH hat.  Well, today in the mail I received a ransom letter asking for an unspecified amount of cash, two bars of GW25, and a 2015 season pass to Sugarloaf.  But my blood started to boil when a picture fell out of that letter:

A goddamn savage, making a mockery of our human civilization.
A freak wearing my beloved hat.  Well readers, I watch a lot of CSI, so I'm going to take a stab at this one.  It looks like unsaid individual is in a blueish gym.  That leaves Middlebury, Colby, and UNH as potential colleges my ransom artist went to.  But you can see a lot of back muscle, so that clearly takes out Middlebury.  Now you see an extreme amount of hair, so the question is -- boy or girl?  I think though the musculature is strong, the gorgeous hair combined with a slight hint of a camel toe suggests a female.  This makes a lot more sense because women are obsessed with me, and I doubt any redblooded male would take another man's hat.  The only other conclusion I can draw is that this individual clearly is an evil genius.  Look at the left hand.  You can see this ruthless killer pointing to her new hat with her thumb.  The small hands also give credence to the idea that we are dealing with a woman here.  But guess what, I will not be held captive by your love terrorism.

I am putting out a bounty.  One thirty rack of your choice for the hat.  Two thirty racks for the hat... with this lady's head still in it.*  We are looking for a UNH or Colby lady with large back muscles and delicately pretty flow.

Let the hunt begin.

Slalom Ace out.

*Please try to keep blood off the hat.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Revenge Is Best Served Cold

Potential nominee for top 10 videos of the year.  There's being cold and bitter, and then there's bitter cold... and then there's being bitter and cold in the bitterly cold.  Keep up.  My girl Susan dashing through the snow on a one horse open sleigh, just dangling up and down the slalom course.  But before you know it, Susan is breaking blue gates just like she breaks hearts.  Often, and without warning.  Take a look:

WOW!  Is anyone trying to tell me inanimate objects don't have souls or active agendas right now?  I sure hope not.  Otherwise, I'll introduce you to Susan.  Take a look at this unfortunate series of events.  PS I should definitely start doing the Buzzfeed "And you'll never believe what happens next!"

Season 1 Episode 9 of GoT.  "No they're definitely not gonna do it this is all a buildup"
Goodbye Ned Stark.  Lord of the Winterfell, former blue gate.  Beheaded.
At a certain point, this gate goes so high it's out of the video footage entirely. 
But what goes up must come down...
Sidenote, the double vision in this video is driving me nuts.  It's like that time I was so hung over forerunning I couldn't tell if I was seeing double coming over a roll or if there was an undergate I had missed during the inspection I had also missed.  Still scored sub 20s though.  Okay back to the previously scheduled attraction:

"Have... fun... skiing over... my corpse....." the blue gate rattled before finally passing away calmly with both eyes closed. 
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.  A crash for a crash makes it onto Slalom Tokyo Drift.

Thanks to Roman for the great video.  Send me stuff at  Slalom Ace out.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Rosie Gets Eaten By A Snowsnake

You hate to see crashes like this.  You expect it, but you hate to see it.  The real gem is the audio.  A lot more questions than answers.  Who is Mark?  Why should he hold his breath?  That didn't hit her face, did it?

I think it might have.
I just think it might have.
Thanks to Maureen for the crash!  Season is slowly winding down.  It's beautiful in Boston.  The EISA circuit came though Fenway like a wrecking ball and, surprisingly enough, got cut off in the third inning.  Oh well.  And I lost my cool UNH skiing hat.  It was still very fun though.  Slalom Ace out.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Just A Casual Arm Hook

Becca Bermel just doing the damn thing.  She sent this to me and wrote it up better than I ever could.  "Just a casual arm hook."  Well, let's check it out.

Yep, it sure was.  Pretty casual. with the vids.  Slalom Ace out.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Double Ejection -- Whammy

An unfortunate series of events takes place for our boy Kye Moffat, whose email is obviously skisquaw4life.  Which is honestly a little restrained for a Moffat.  I don't know if you've met Keith... I got him a Squaw t-shirt and a trail map for his birthday once, and he said he didn't need it because he had the Squaw logo tattooed on his chest, the trail map tatted on his back, and then he said that he never wore a shirt and couldn't read.  Very interesting stuff.  Anyway, let's take the boys to Snow King, which I can assure you isn't the King of anything.  Not even the best ski area in its area code.


Whammy whammy whammy.  Check the back DIN, check the achilles.  This is not a good scene.  All I can think right now is... if you're a coach, what do you even say?  How do you possibly go from this:

To this:

To finally a bit of this...

It's enough to drive a man to drankin'.  Daddy loves all of you.  Ski season is winding down... but Slalom Tokyo Drift is not.  Slalom Ace out.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Oh I've Got It NO I DON'T

Classic Slalom Tokyo Drift.  The low lows, and then, the lowest of lows.  Can't spell disdainfully without DNF.  Whatever that means.  I looked that up on the internet, I didn't figure that out on my own.  So there's that.
Oh no... losing the outside ski.  A story as old as Slalom Tokyo Drift itself.
Goodbye blue gate.  Our paths shall never cross again.
Oh wait, what's that?  Back into the course!  David triumphs over the Goliath gravity!
And now it's right back on it baby.  Arc city mayor.
Would you look at this?  Crispy angles.  YUM.  This stuff gets me going.
Ohhh.. no.  Nevermind.
As King Kendrick says... man down.  YAK YAK YAK YAK.
Nothing but a cave full of snowsnakes.  Daniel Powter, "Bad Day"

Thanks to Roman for the vid!  I have more coming.  Okay I'll throw one in now.

Another video:  Slalom Ace out.

Here's A List Of Classics

Fenway Park.  '66 Mustangs.  Air Force Ones.  Sunsets.  Moby Dick.  Cheeseburgers.  Toepiece Tuesday.

Thanks to Trip for the photo!